Listening to: Kingdom Undersea - Ladytron
I keep getting stuck on a certain creative project of mine. I refined an old oc who was originally unfinished of so many years, until I started to develop him further near the end of 2025. When I'm at work, I constantly have creative ideas bouncing around in my head. And if I am lucky or have enough energy, I will end up making it when I get home. The most natural thing for me to do is to draw something, even nowadays its mostly sketches because that's all my energy can muster. However the easiest thing I can soooortof make is writing an html page, due to it having instant results (if I have a fucking idea). SPEAKING OF...:
I keep talking about it on my neocities profile, my to-do list and even my status cafe. I have a new OC page I've been wanting to make for my OC Reggie!! To which the only thing I have to share of him publically is 90% of the art and sketches I made of him. The toyhouse has a teeny tiny description. There's so much more I wanna share of him though, so much information. I actually have been wanting to make a visual novel of him, a sequal to another visual novel I made just to try out RenPy (which I never shared publically. Im planning on polishing it before I ever publish it). He became an OC that means a lot to me, with my personal experiences. I figured if I made an html page about him, I'd be able to have a tangible idea of how to actually start writing for his visual novel. To which I have like, nearly 3 drafts of how I want to start it. I have messy phone notes, sticky notes, scribbled notes on my digital cavases, and gabbles I make to my close friends about what I want the game to have, or what I would like to happen. But I think... well... I have a weakness when it comes to my creative process. I tend to bite off more than I can chew. I get SO DAMN ambitious, having my ideas being bigger than my body that is capable of making the fraction of the output of. I've been trying to think about starting small or... putting restrictions on myself... or fucking Anything to help me get SOMETHING out!! It feels like im fucking constipated, and I cant get ANYTHINGGG OUT!!! I browse so many sites in hopes to find SOME inspiration for a layout. I keep wanting too much shit for it.
Today I just tried to write the visual novel again. Then I get overwhelmed. Then I tried to brainstorm for the site again, making sketches. Which resulted in the same thing. I try to think of advice ive heard from others. About what I want to achieve with his story, the purpose, what the theme is. I have an idea of it, at least. I try to think about how I wrote my last visual novel, and I literally fucking winged it in the code due to me trying to learn Renpy. I cant do that exact thing again, because theres SO MUCH I want to do for Reggie. It's just so frustrating, because he means a lot to me and it makes me upset I cant express that as well as I want to.
Different thing I wanted to talk abt
I've read a few blogs and online diaries that people post, and I notice a lot of people write in different ways, and it inspires me!! I see people get really personal about their emotions and feelings with their lives, negative or positive. I've also seen people ramble about their creative endeavors. I've been scratching my head about how I could write these blogs for a while. Due to me being inspired by an extremely personal blog style I saw. Talking someones mental struggles with themselves, and the world, and their recovery. Written in pretty short posts. It touched my heart, and I really felt for the person. I read a few lines in the blog to some friends in a voice call, speculating on something unrelated. Then I heard a friend say "wow, that person has A LOT of growing to do haha." while cringing and letting out a chuckle of second-hand embarassment. It struck a nerve, because this is this person's vulnerable feelings, and it felt like this person was being judged. It reminded me of my fear of being judged by others online as well, especially if I get really personal in something I post. I set some personal rules for myself about writing my blog to not make them too personal, to which I originally thought of changing that. Now I'm not sure what to do. I also have a worry that if I talk about my depressive and anxious rambles (some of the anxious ones slipped in past posts, oops), that I'll only spiral and get worse. Then it feels like strangers eyes are staring at me like I'm a spectical, watching me as I drown myself.
However, I know its GOOD for me to write out my feelings. And I see people use their online diaries and blogs as an outlet for that, since it is their own space afterall. Ive also seen a mood tracker that you can use on the web, but it's also public for everyone to see it. It also reminds me of other personalizations ive seen people put on their sites, like calenders, clocks, moon phases. It almost looks like a place they can open for themselves to keep track of things. It feels comforting to see. But if I want a personal digital bedroom, the difference between my irl bedroom and my online bedroom is that one can be looked at by strangers on the internet. I suppose it's because I'm lonely, like most people online. I want to feel like Im connecting with people. But is it worth posting personal things if I get no responses? Should I even want responses? All I get is the sense of peering eyes on me, even if most people turn away at a block of text like this, on a depressive looking html page theme.
Im not sure what to really write anymore at this point. I tend to get distracted and have unorganized writing so, what I have in mind is to eat something for now. Should I address anyone reading this? I feel like that might be silly for me to do. It doesnt really feel like I'm talking to anyone other than my code so.., I suppose I'll just leave my format like this.
-4:35 PM